'I plucked so much hair there was a pile by my bed - it took over my life'

A widow who shaved her head after her “trich manias” caused her to spend hours pulling hairs from her scalp has said she loves being bald and does not think she will “ever grow (her) hair out”. Amanda Willoughby, 44, has been living with trichotillomania, also known as trich – the urge to pull out hair from parts of the body, including the scalp, eyebrows and eyelashes – for decades, but was not officially diagnosed until her late 20s.

The high school teacher said she cannot pinpoint an exact “trigger” for the condition, but she first started plucking her eyebrows and eyelashes, using tweezers and her fingers, when she was 11 – and she felt a sense of “relief”. She likened the sensation to a tattoo, saying: “It hurts, but you go and do it again.”

Amanda has found “distraction” techniques, such as decorating cakes and practising cosmetology, but she has continued “plucking” throughout her life, causing bald patches on various parts of her body and face. This culminated in October 2022, when she ended up shaving her head due to pulling out too much hair – and although it felt “uncomfortable” at first, she now loves being bald.

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Amanda has had some “major life changes” recently, including the death of her husband Jeremy, and these experiences have “triggered even more trich manias” – but she said being bald is freeing and wearing wigs has been “life-changing”.

Amanda, who lives in West Point, Kentucky, USA, said: “I don’t think I will ever grow my hair out. I honestly really love the bald.

“I have always changed my hairstyles and this gives me the freedom to literally do whatever I want. I think I have around 30 wigs, all different lengths, styles, colours. It’s seriously been life-changing for me.

“When Jeremy died, my life turned upside down and I couldn’t face the world, but putting on a wig helped me start to get back to life. I would wake up and think, ‘I can’t do this today’. Then I would put on a wig and decide, well Amanda with no hair can’t do this today, but Amanda with long highlighted curls can.”

Amanda explained that she first felt the urge to “pluck” when she was 11 after “a rough day”. She used her mother’s tweezers to pull out her eyebrow hairs and said she felt an instant sense of “relief”.

“I took the tweezers and I started plucking my eyebrows and, every time I would pluck, even though it’s a little pinprick of pain, it would almost be a relief,” she said.

“It was like, ‘Oh, I feel better’, and then I would pluck and then I would feel better. It was almost a release of anxiety.”

This cyclical pattern of pulling out hairs to relieve tension and stress has continued throughout her life. At one point, one of Amanda’s friends said she looked like “a vulture because (she) had no eyebrows”.

But since Amanda has never been “a big make-up kind of person” and did not use mascara or eyebrow products in her younger years, she said she was unfazed by the lack of hair and “shrugged off” any questions about why she had no eyelashes.

“People didn’t really say much,” she said. “Every now and then, somebody would say, ‘You don’t have any eyelashes?’, and I would say, ‘No, I don’t’, and kind of go on with it.”

Amanda has experienced low points, however, and at times she felt her “mania” – the word she uses to describe her condition – was taking over her life.

“I had a lot of low times, and then I would think, ‘screw it, I’m taking it all off’… so then I would just pluck everything,” Amanda explained.

“Then one of my friends would notice that everything was gone and they would say, ‘Hey, are you alright?’, and I would say, ‘No, but it is what it is’.”

Amanda explained that, for her, there was “always a reason to pluck”, and it has therefore been difficult to find a solution. “I’d think to myself, ‘well, this one’s white, or this one’s dark, or this one’s too short, or this one’s too long, or this one sits too close to the other one’,” Amanda said. “Then before I knew it, I was completely bald on my eyebrows and eyelashes.”

According to the NHS, it is not entirely clear what causes trichotillomania, but for some people, hair pulling can be a habit that is hard to break. Amanda has found ways to manage the condition, such as taking up cake decorating, studying and practising cosmetology and doing crochet and needlepoint, to “keep herself busy” and do “something with (her) hands”.

However, in October 2022, after getting married, finding a new job and moving house, Amanda said her stress levels were high – and that is when she started using tweezers to pull the hairs from her scalp, sometimes spending hours at a time in the car or at home plucking.

“There were quite a few nights in a week’s span of time that I literally got no sleep at all because I would lay down to go to sleep and I would think, ‘OK, I’m going to pluck just a little bit before (bed) to relax’,” she explained.

“Before I knew it, five hours had passed and I would have a pile of hair next to the bed and it would be time to get up and go back to work.”

With her late husband’s support at the time, Amanda took the decision to shave her head – and she feels this has given her “more control” over her condition. Amanda is still searching for the best ways to manage her trichotillomania, but she said she is “doing the best (she) can”.

She would encourage others who may be experiencing the same urges to speak out, try to identify any “triggers” and find distraction techniques, such as taking up new hobbies. She also wants to continue to be a role model for her students and encourage them to celebrate their individuality.

“A new school year has started and lots of new students have enquired about my baldness, which gives me an opportunity to educate them about the disorder,” she said. “I had flip-flopped between wearing a wig the first day of school, but decided not to. Turns out, they appreciate the authenticity.”